The Parentified Daughter

“Such a wonderful girl she is, taking care of her little sister … at the age of 5 … so mature … Good only … after all she will be a mother one day …”

This may sound like a compliment for an unusually well-behaved, responsible and mature child but are we inadvertently setting up the little girl to be an adult, before she can be a child first?

Parentified Daughters: Breaking Free from the Cycle

In our journey through life, we all face unique challenges that shape us. For some, the challenge begins at a tender age when they find themselves thrust into roles far beyond their years. This phenomenon is known as "parentification," a silent struggle that often affects daughters more than sons.

In our work with women leaders, we found that many of them went through childhood experiences that forced them to become “parents” at an age where they were not ready.

Their experiences and family situations often force them to become more responsible, mature and self-reliant, at a very young age. While they may become assets to their organizations and families because of how responsible they are, this also sets the stage for feeling exhausted, needing to feel in control, struggling to trust any one else to take care of themselves, becoming a caregiver for others and finding that being a caretaker feels good, even when they are sacrificing parts of yourself and struggling with a need to be appreciated no matter what they do.

What is "Parentification"?

Parentification occurs when the roles of parent and child are reversed, placing undue responsibilities on the child. This can take two main forms: instrumental and emotional parentification.

"Adults are responsible for kids and not the other way around. When a parent makes a child responsible for their feelings and meeting their needs, they are giving them a job they can't (and shouldn't) possibly fulfil."

Quote by Jenna Korf

Instrumental Parentification involves children handling physical tasks that should be the parent's responsibility. These responsibilities, like bill payment, household chores, or caregiving for siblings, often deprive them of a normal childhood and educational opportunities.

Emotional Parentification places children in the role of their parent's therapist, making them responsible for managing parental emotions and solving interpersonal problems. Daughters, in particular, are frequently called upon for this kind of help, unintentionally absorbing stress and anxiety.

Consequences for Daughters

Often a parentified daughter must grow up very fast and loses the chance to be a child, as she is expected to manage the emotional and/or physical needs of her mother and/or father. This kind of dynamic sets up the daughter for low self-esteem, poor boundaries, a deep sense of shame and co-dependent relationships.

These daughters often become overachievers or caregivers. The biggest challenges they face are learning to take care of themselves, being kind to themselves, and loving themselves. They often feel like they're trying to fit into a puzzle that's missing pieces, lost in their childhood and changed as they become adults. The pressure on them to be perfect and set an example can be harmful.

“In some families, women are expected to be more responsible, more compliant, more biddable”, says psychotherapist Sally Baker. “There is a lot of expectation placed on young girls, on their behaviour.” Baker cites the example of adult female children often being expected to care for their elderly parents or young girls typically having more chores than their brothers — which, according to Unicef, amounts to a 30 per cent disparity, with young girls spending a grand total of 40 million more hours completing chores than young boys.

Breaking the cycle

“There's nothing loving or caring about a close parent-child relationship when it services the needs and feelings of a parent rather than the child.” - ― Kenneth Adams

Breaking free from the cycle of parentification is the first step towards healing and indeed is crucial. As long as the neglect experienced in childhood remains buried within, we re-recreate our family in adult relationships.

If any of these statements resonate with you;

1. Grew up feeling like you had to be responsible
2. Have trouble with play or “letting loose”,
3. Were pulled into arguments or issues between caregivers
4. Felt like you were given responsibilities that were not appropriate for someone your age
5. Were complimented for being “so good” and “so responsible”
6. Feel that being self-reliant is better than trying to trust others
7. Don’t really remember “being a kid”

We recommend that you speak to a qualified therapist/ counsellor who can help you start your journey of healing and breaking the cycle.

Here are some key steps that you can undertake:

1. Establish Firm Boundaries: Learning to say "no" and setting clear boundaries is crucial in reclaiming your own life and needs.

2. Challenge Ingrained Behaviors: Recognize and question the patterns you've internalized, and be willing to let go of those that no longer serve you.

3. Reject Unrealistic Expectations: As women, we've often been burdened with unrealistic expectations of being more responsible and compliant. It's time to challenge these norms and redefine our roles.

4. Seek Support: Don't hesitate to seek the support of a therapist or counselor who can help you navigate the emotional complexities of parentification.

In a world where expectations are constantly evolving, remember that it's never too late to rewrite your story. As we share our experiences and support one another, we can break the cycle of parentification and create a brighter future for ourselves and the generations to come.

Co-Writer Anindita Zadoo